I have been in an on and off relationship with a guy who is African like I am but different countries. We have a daughter together and have decided not to live together until we make it right (marriage). But I am actually living on a low income housing and he pays for child support. He goes to an African church that he once told me he had issues with women there. He doesn’t want me to be at that church until we are married (he said he is protecting me) and I don’t know from what. When we used to have sex I would count the few times that I can say he has actually made me happy in bed. He seemed to only love to enjoy it and once his part is done he has no desire to fulfill my part. Right now I am doing school, have a job and being a “single mom”. Most parents who don’t live together fight for custody, on my case I have to beg him to help me with our daughter. A lot of damage has happened that I am so scared to live but for my daughter I have to. When I was pregnant, he mistreated me so bad that I left the house to live in a shelter. 2 months before I gave birth he asked me to come back to leave with him & out of fear I went back to him. Our beautiful daughter was born with C-section. I had no help around the house, and when she was 7 months, I could not take the verbal abuse anymore and this time I knew what I was doing, I knew I needed to be strong and do what is right for my daughter and myself.
A lot of judgement has been passed from every corner of the world, but one thing I know is I thank God everyday for my daughter. I thank God for the fire that I went through because I came out strong, but today as I type I am so tired, I can’t focus I can’t read, I have been crying for days. I have no one to talk to and I have been getting help from my church and right now I am just tired of asking for anything (I am sorry because I am actually crying right now) I have asked God to forgive me, I repented of all my sins, the one I knew and the ones I did not know and I believe in my heart he has forgiven me. I just want to live my life clean, pure and holy and to show the right way to my little girl. He once mentioned he doesn’t want to pay lobola for me but I would like it if he does. Right now there is a relationship but I am not happy with it. It is like a relationship I have with my brother (I am not talking about not having sex because it was our agreement). He is far from being romantic, even taking me out for dinner has never happened. Most of the time I want us to go out and I end up paying. Once in a way I like us to go for a movie just to build up trust and hopefully heal from all the pains he has put me through. He always says he is a changed man. He has changed slight partly (he doesn’t yell at me anymore). His mom told my family that my daughter wants his child but when I asked him he said he will talk to his mom. I have so much anger towards her and I have been praying to God to help me get over that anger towards her because that is not how I want to live my life whether I am with his son or not. I used to call her once a week but now I have not contacted her for months though my hearts wants to develop a good relationship with her for the sake of my daughter. The one time we talked about a wedding, I want the wedding to be down in Africa (where both our families are) but he wants it here over seas. I don’t care even if he wants it down in his country, it does not matter to me.
The biggest problem now is am I loving someone who will not be able to express love back to me, am I putting faith and hope in a guy (the father of my daughter) when everyday I feel like I am being pulled away from the feelings? All he talks about is money money & money, it almost seems like he worships money more than he worships God. He has a good job but everyday he is always saying he has no money. Yesterday he even borrowed $5 so he can give to church as offering (his church). I have no problem helping if I can but I am only working part time & I barely make enough for myself but I don’t buy things I can’t afford to avoid debt. I am so stressed out that i just want God to speak to me and tell me what it is that I am suppose to do. Pls pls I am begging pray for me to be strong for myself and my baby, to completely know what the LORD wants me to do. I am just confused and scared.
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